I’m Done with Integrity

I’ve always considered myself to be a person of integrity; someone who keeps her word, honors her commitments, and does the right thing. All good things,Paula_FlaKeys right?

Here’s my secret – my version of integrity has been ruining my life. I’ve been operating on autopilot, never questioning or considering whether all that integrity was actually good for me.

With a little self-exploration, I’ve learned that I do integrity really well with other people, and like crap with myself.  And I have some pretty strange stories running around in my head. Can you relate?

Keeping My Word Should Be a Good Thing, Right? Not Always. 

  • Saying YES because I’m afraid to say NO – NOT GOOD.
  • Hating myself if I have to go back and say NO after I’ve already said YES. WORSE.

My Story: If I say no I am a bad person and if I don’t absolutely honor my YES no matter what I am unworthy.

My Truth:  I have the right to say NO. People say NO to me all the time. Plans and commitments change.  It’s part of life in today’s world. What matters is being realistic, upfront, and honest about what I can and can’t do.  

My Shifts: Practicing saying no, and giving myself a break, just like I would to anyone else.

Can Honoring My Commitments be Wrong? Yes.

  • Honoring my commitments to others at the expense of my own needs – NOT GOOD.
  • Expecting perfection in honoring of my commitments – WORSE.

My Story: I have to take care of other people first, and do it perfectly or I have failed and let everyone down. 

My Truth: If I don’t take care of myself first, and receive as well as give, at some point I won’t be able to take care of anyone. Expecting perfection from myself (or anyone else) totally blocks my ability to receive. It just doesn’t work.

My Shifts:  Giving myself permission to make my own needs a priority. Allowing ‘Doing My Best’ to be my success, whether it works the way I think it should or not.  

Should I Always Do the Right Thing, No Matter What? No.

  • Doing someone else’s version of the right thing instead of mine – NOT GOOD.
  • Doing the “right thing” over and over even when it feels awful or wrong. – WORSE.
  • Not knowing what your own “right things” are – DANGEROUS.

My Story:  If I keep doing what I’ve always done – doing what I think people want – they will like me. Plus, I am never allowed stop or question it even if it feels crappy. 

My Truth: Choosing to do my own right thing is the only way I can truly feel good about myself. It’s not selfish and wrong, it’s healthy boundary setting. Sometimes what I choose will be best for me, sometimes best for others.

My Shifts: I’ve learned to trust my body. It knows what the right thing is before I do, and if my choice doesn’t feel right in my body it’s time to get curious about the story vs. the truth.

Going forward I’m going to be curious around my stories. Give myself compassion instead of demanding perfection. And trust my integrity instead of trying so hard. It feels really good. 

Are you ready to change some stories? Find your own personal right things? Learn to listen to your body? Let’s talk about what feels right to you. Email paula@WhatsNextForMyLife.com.