QUIT TRYING!

“I’m trying to start exercising again,” said my new client. “It’s just not working and it’s making me crazy. Can you help?”

“Absolutely,” I replied. “But you have to quit trying. “What do you mean?” She looked confused.

“I’ll explain. But first, tell me if this is the crazy you’re feeling.

HeavyLoadEvery day you tell yourself that you are going to get started, and then you don’t. So you feel guilty and say you’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and you don’t do it again, so you tell yourself how awful you are. Then you get depressed, and feel like a total failure, and even worse, it’s all your fault. It feels like a ten ton bag of rooks that you carry around all the time and success just gets further and further away. You feel hopeless and give up, or keep trying and not succeeding. Either way you feel guilty or ashamed. It’s called procrastination paralysis, and it’s why TRYING never really works in the long term.”

“OMG that’s exactly what’s happening,” she exclaimed. “How can I make it stop?”

I smiled, “You  QUIT TRYING by deciding to DO IT or deciding to LET IT GO, even if it is just for now. Tell me why exercising more is important to you.”

“I really feel like I should; I’m getting older and I can feel it. I feel guilty that I’m not.”  I stopped her right there. “Should and guilt are rotten motivators, they are symptoms of procrastination paralysis. I feel your motivation draining as you talk. Let’s reframe. Tell me what you would gain by exercising more.”

“I’d feel better physically and mentally, and build up some strength.” And how would that make you feel? (I could feel her energy lighten). “Great!” Is that worth letting go of TRYING and moving into DOING? “Absolutely.”

Congratulations! You’ve just gone from TRYING to DOING! How’s the bag of rocks now? “Wow, they’re gone. This is amazing.”

My client QUIT TRYING and started DOING when she changed her motivation from “Because I Should” to “Because I’ll Feel Better.” That was her first step. She could also have QUIT TRYING by deciding, “I don’t really want to do this now.” (This is really common when your motivation is based on SHOULD.) Either choice shuts down the bag of rocks feeling of procrastination paralysis that comes from TRYING rather than DOING or LETTING GO. The important thing is that she consciously chooses to focus on motivation that feels good to her.

We all struggle with procrastination paralysis. TRYING is totally un-motivating; it sets the perfect stage for failure and self-criticism; and it can go on for a long, long time if you’re not aware of it.

You know you’re TRYING rather than DOING if it feels like you’re carrying around a bag of rocks, and/or are really down on yourself.

Is it time for you to quit TRYING and start DOING? Call me to talk about your motivation and first steps.

I’m Done with Integrity

I’ve always considered myself to be a person of integrity; someone who keeps her word, honors her commitments, and does the right thing. All good things,Paula_FlaKeys right?

Here’s my secret – my version of integrity has been ruining my life. I’ve been operating on autopilot, never questioning or considering whether all that integrity was actually good for me.

With a little self-exploration, I’ve learned that I do integrity really well with other people, and like crap with myself.  And I have some pretty strange stories running around in my head. Can you relate?

Keeping My Word Should Be a Good Thing, Right? Not Always. 

  • Saying YES because I’m afraid to say NO – NOT GOOD.
  • Hating myself if I have to go back and say NO after I’ve already said YES. WORSE.

My Story: If I say no I am a bad person and if I don’t absolutely honor my YES no matter what I am unworthy.

My Truth:  I have the right to say NO. People say NO to me all the time. Plans and commitments change.  It’s part of life in today’s world. What matters is being realistic, upfront, and honest about what I can and can’t do.  

My Shifts: Practicing saying no, and giving myself a break, just like I would to anyone else.

Can Honoring My Commitments be Wrong? Yes.

  • Honoring my commitments to others at the expense of my own needs – NOT GOOD.
  • Expecting perfection in honoring of my commitments – WORSE.

My Story: I have to take care of other people first, and do it perfectly or I have failed and let everyone down. 

My Truth: If I don’t take care of myself first, and receive as well as give, at some point I won’t be able to take care of anyone. Expecting perfection from myself (or anyone else) totally blocks my ability to receive. It just doesn’t work.

My Shifts:  Giving myself permission to make my own needs a priority. Allowing ‘Doing My Best’ to be my success, whether it works the way I think it should or not.  

Should I Always Do the Right Thing, No Matter What? No.

  • Doing someone else’s version of the right thing instead of mine – NOT GOOD.
  • Doing the “right thing” over and over even when it feels awful or wrong. – WORSE.
  • Not knowing what your own “right things” are – DANGEROUS.

My Story:  If I keep doing what I’ve always done – doing what I think people want – they will like me. Plus, I am never allowed stop or question it even if it feels crappy. 

My Truth: Choosing to do my own right thing is the only way I can truly feel good about myself. It’s not selfish and wrong, it’s healthy boundary setting. Sometimes what I choose will be best for me, sometimes best for others.

My Shifts: I’ve learned to trust my body. It knows what the right thing is before I do, and if my choice doesn’t feel right in my body it’s time to get curious about the story vs. the truth.

Going forward I’m going to be curious around my stories. Give myself compassion instead of demanding perfection. And trust my integrity instead of trying so hard. It feels really good. 

Are you ready to change some stories? Find your own personal right things? Learn to listen to your body? Let’s talk about what feels right to you. Email paula@WhatsNextForMyLife.com. 

Why is Wellness So Hard? Simple Easy Ways to be Happier and Healthier

Why is wellness so hard? We want to be happier and healthier – to be well. Our intentions are good.  “I’m going to lose weight, eat better, reduce stress, work harder, spend more time with loved ones, be a better friend, write a book, and save the world. Starting today.”  A few weeks later the push to change everything NOW can become totally demoralizing, full of self-blame and guilt because of not doing what was intended, or not doing it well enough.

 Wellness is hard because we make it hard. WE THINK TO MUCH.Happy Healthy People Art

We expect wellness to be hard, so we get what we expect.  We’ve been culturally conditioned to believe that it will be, mostly from people who want to make money from our pain.  Then our human brains take over, telling us what we SHOULD do and then blocking us from doing it. We end up trapped in a cycle of good intentions, guilt, and giving up.  It’s no wonder it’s hard to be happier and healthier. If it’s feeling hard to you, it will be easier if you don’t think so much.

Signs of thinking too much?

  • You’re SHOULDING yourself to death. If your motivation is based on SHOULD, ask yourself, “Who says I should do this? What about it matters to me?” If you can’t find a way it matters, consider letting it go.
  • Your inner critic has taken over. “I don’t have the time, money, energy or whatever, and why bother because I’ll fail anyway, people will laugh, etc.” are all voices of your inner critic, who is trying to protect you by keeping you from doing something new, even if it’s good for you. If it’s dramatic an emotional, your critic may be running the show.  Ask yourself, “Is this really true?” If it’s not, what do you gain by believing it?
  • You believe it is selfish and wrong to make your own needs a priority. Would you deny the people you love permission to take care of themselves? You must have both giving and receiving to be well. If you feel depressed, tired and run down all the time, your body is telling you it needs some care.
  • You don’t celebrate your progress. Every single teeny tiny step you take is success because it is progress. I can’t say this enough. Going from 3 to 3.5 is a success. Trying and failing and trying again is a success.  Thinking about changing is a success. Starting and then changing direction is as success. Celebrating each small step will keep you motivated for the long term.

If you SHOULD but you aren’t; you started and then you stopped; you want to but believe you can’t; and you would if you could just find the time, money or energy; it’s time to leave the mind chatter behind.  Make your life happier and healthier by not thinking so much.  I promise it will be so much easier, and a lot more fun.  Need some help? Let’s talk about it. Email me at Paula@WhatsNextForMyLife.com.

 

A Lesson About Safety from My Iguana Hitchhiker

My heart jumped when I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye, and my eyes widened in disbelief and shock as I realized something was climbing down the windshield of my moving vehicle. “Holy crap,” was my first thought, followed by “He’s going to die!”, as I subconsciously registered the colors, the ridges, the claws, and size of him. “It’s a friggin’ iguana!” Panic set in as he moved down the windshield onto the hood, sliding as he battened down against the wind; I was sure he was going to become road kill right before my eyes. I whipped into the next parking lot, and drove toward the shrubs on the side as my hitchhiker inched down the hood. “NO no no don’t fall off here” was screaming in my mind as I came to a stop and he disappeared off the hood.  “Did I run over him? Is he under the hood? Did he go into the bushes?” IguanaCropMy heart was still racing as I jumped out of my truck and ran to the passenger side, just in time to see his tail disappear into the shrubs. As I calmed down, I thought to myself, “He’s safe now, but he’s in unfamiliar territory.” It wasn’t until later that I felt the oxymoron in those words.  Equating safety with being in unfamiliar territory doesn’t feel logical. Safety means knowing what to expect and being in control. When life steps in, picks me up, puts me somewhere else, my mind screams danger and fills up with all of the worst case scenarios. Yet when the dust settles, every time, I grow from it, kicking and screaming at the unknown, until familiarity sets in again.

I finally understand that safety comes not from avoiding unfamiliar territory, but from trusting that I can get through it, and live to tell the tale.

The next time life picks you up, takes you for a ride, and drops you into unfamiliar territory, ask yourself what you can learn from how you’re responding. Do you trust yourself to keep going, or does all of your energy go into resisting the change? What’s the dramatic awful outcome you’re imagining? And most important, is the freak out energy helping? These questions can bring safety into the unfamiliar quickly and easily. Try them out, and let me know how it works for you.

Interested in more lessons from iguanas? Read about my October 2008 encounter with an iguana HERE.

PS. For those of you who want to know how the iguana got on the hood of my truck, it climbed up the fence, into a tree, and onto my truck to sun himself. The overhanging branch has now been trimmed back, and I check my roof before I drive away. LOL.

Three Lessons of Taking Your Life Back During and After Breast Cancer

By Paula Holland De Long ACC, CPCC

Possibilities

Asking for What You Want. “It’s been over two years and I almost no one besides my husband knows I was sick,” confessed the striking African woman, arriving at my workshop three hours late. Despite surgery and treatment, Doreen’s day to day life was virtually unchanged. “We have three small kids,” she explained. They need me.” She wept as she whispered, “I can’t go on like this anymore. I’ve got to have some time for myself.” The idea of asking for what she wanted, and for their help, shocked her.

I asked the group to help her role play asking for what she wanted.  As she practiced saying “I’ve been feeling tired and want a quiet hour to myself each day. Will you help with household chores so I can do that?” her confidence grew.  She committed to talking with her family that same night, and her time to herself began the next morning.  

Six months later she founded an organization to make mammograms available to woman in South Africa. Often, asking for what you need is even scarier than cancer. The first time is by far the hardest. Practice makes it easier and more natural. Practicing in front of a mirror, or asking someone you trust to role play can help you see that getting what you need will be easier than you think.

Waht if?Ask yourself “What if?”  “My boyfriend wants to get married right now,” Doretha, recently diagnosed with breast cancer, scoffed. “No way am I risking that. How could he possibly want me with half a chest, knowing I might die? I’m thinking about breaking up with him.” Her miserable face told its own story.

“It feels like you’re making this decision out of fear of what might happen.” I observed. “How does this decision make it easier for you?”

She hesitated. Took a deep breath. “I love him and I want him with me but I just can’t get married now. I just can’t risk it.“ And then admitted her deepest fear. “Even if he does still want me, what if I don’t make it? I can’t do that to him.”

 “What if you stay together and just put the whole idea of marriage on hold until you’re done with treatment?” I could see the relief on her face. She smiled. “That would make if so much easier.”

That was over a year ago. I ran into her and her fiancé last week. They’re getting married next month. Doretha’s fear of what might happen in the future almost cost her the love of her life, and valuable support during her treatment.

Sometimes we get so caught up in negatives of what might happen we lose track of what that is might be really good, or what we need now.  Consider:

  • What is the best thing that could happen? What’s the worst?
  • What if I decide/do it now? What if I wait?

Your physical, emotional and intuitive responses to these What If? questions will help you deepen your understanding of what you want and need. 

Find out What’s Possible. Torn between financial stability, physical health, and the desires of her heart, Sharon‘s anxiety about returning to her job had taken over her life. Eight years from retirement, she hated the work, and while knowing she could do it, feared the physical demands would weaken her over time. She was filled with a vague new yearning to do more, and dreamed of somehow giving back. 

Within a few hours, my professional balance assessment quickly identified what she would be happiest doing, and our brainstorming transformed her vague dream into a plan to create a blog and ezine, sharing her knowledge of how art and music therapy helps patients and survivors.

Together, we created a transition plan that allowed her to keep her job while she creates and launched her new business, which will be in early 2013.

Sharon’s anxiety came from her mistaken belief that it was impossible to be financially secure and do something new at the same time.

If you want something more, but don’t think it’s possible, invest time in finding out. Most likely you’ll find out that it is.

Each of these women is exactly like you and I. We make choices and we live life. It’s choosing making to ask for what you want, consider all the “what if’s”, and find out what’s possible that bring us the feelings of choice and freedom we must have to take back our lives during and after cancer.

###

Life AFter Cancer

Are you ready to take back control of your life?  Learn more about my new Living Well After Cancer 8-week telecourse. Past participants have taken back control of their lives by changing careers; breathing new life into their relationships; sustaining lifestyle changes like losing weight; overcoming depression and fear; and report huge improvements in their quality of life.

Learn more HERE.

Building Your Muscles of Choice and Change After Cancer

“After it sunk in that I couldn’t take time for granted, I felt compelled to make spending time with my children my top priority. It was challenging, I kept reminding myself that if I could do cancer, I surely could do this.”– Angelina Provst, age 43, 4-year lung cancer survivor

Change, by definition, requires doing things differently. To have more of what matters most, YOU MUST want it badly enough to step out of your comfort zone and take a new action instead of an old one.

 The first step into the gym, ice cream skipped before bed, or salad ordered instead of a burger is the absolute hardest. As much as we wish that we could lose weight and keep it off without exercising or changing our diet, we won’t.

Changing how you do things is like strengthening a muscle. It can take weeks to finally set foot in the gym. The first time you lift the weights, muscles weak, your first repetitions are hesitant and uncertain before you get the feel of it. Next time you feel a groove. Soon, the workout seems easier so you add more weight. Your confidence grows. And then one day see muscle where there was none when you do the muscle-man arm flex. You feel inspired to keep going.

Of course, you won’t go from your first workout to muscle-man arms overnight. Life will get in the way.  A rush assignment at work and sick kids will intrude on your routine. One morning you will wake up and decide “I can’t do this right now.” Like we all do, you’ll get stuck, sometimes for weeks, months or more. THIS IS A NORMAL PART OF THE CHANGE PROCESS.

 This process of transition comes in uneven spurts: three steps forward, one step back, with a frustrating stuck place, or plateau, where nothing seems to happen. Know that healing is happening in that stuck place. You are processing the growth you have made, and preparing for your next steps. Remember to show yourself compassion when things slow down or aren’t progressing as fast as you’d like. Instead of feeling wrong, celebrate your progress. You’ll reduce stress, gain confidence, and feel more control over your future as you begin to focus your attention on the choices you’ve made.

When you heard “You have cancer,” did you believe you could do what you have now done? By no choice of your own, you’ve faced the thing you thought you couldn’t do. Fighting cancer has created a new muscle, the If I Can Do Cancer I Can Do Anything muscle. Flex this muscle when your normal resistance to change appears.

 Sign up HERE for my FREE Three Easy Steps That Build Your Muscles of Choice and Change Telecall on Tuesday May 15, 2012 8-9 pm EST / 7 CST / 5 PST. Can’t make the call? Sign up and get the audio after the call.

Learn more about building the muscle of choice and change in my What’s Next After Treatment Ends? LifeBook. Look Inside HERE.

Applause for the Fear That Comes with Cancer

I’m honored to be a new expert columnist for Beyond the Boobie Trap! My first guest post on the BTBT site is below. Listen to me talk about Beyond the Boobie Trap here,  and be sure to check out Beyond the Boobie Trap!

“I’m totally stressed out; I wake up at 2 a.m. terrified my cancer will come back; and I think I’m seriously depressed,” my new client said hesitantly, with tears in her eyes. “I finished chemo over six months ago and every day I tell myself I’ll feel better and I don’t. I should be grateful just to be alive,” she broke into sobs that lasted several minutes, and then raised her head.

I burst into applause. She looked at me like I was crazy.

 Applause“It takes a lot of courage to say your deepest fears out loud. It’s a lot easier to bury them or pretend they don’t exist. How long have you been carrying this fear and stress around with you?” I asked. “I’ve felt it since my diagnosis,” she sighed. More applause from me. Louder. Her shoulders go back as she sits up straighter.

 “Take a deep breath. How’s your stress now?” “Better,” she said, surprised. Then smiled. “MUCH better. I feel like I’m taking charge of my life instead of just tolerating it.”

 “Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and imagine that your stress and fear are standing in front of you. If you had to name them something, what would it be?” Pause. “Rat –On-A-Wheel.” “OK. Client, shake hands and say hello to Mr. Rat –On-A-Wheel.

 Her giggle surprised me. “What about Mr. Rat makes you giggle?” He’s a sneaky, ugly little rat, like a cartoon character.”

 “Is this cartoon rat running your life? I queried. “Heck no,” she said strongly.

 I asked my client to stand up, take a bow, and give herself a round of applause.  Mr. Rat and I clapped and cheered.

 “Why are we applauding?” she asked. 

 You are applauding yourself. You just stood up to this Mr. Rat character who was trying to run your life. You’re giggling at him.  How cool is that? Whoo hoo to you! Mr. Rat’s applauding because he’s relieved. He’s truly is a rat and he’s tired of you and ready to move on. I’m applauding because you’ve just managed your own fear, and you can do it again.

Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Use these simple steps to take your life back when fear, despair, and stress take over.

1. Acknowledge and release your emotions.  

  • Explore your feelings honestly. What’s your truth?
  • Release them: Write them down,  have a pretend conversation with them, share with someone else.
  • Applaud yourself for your courage when you’re done.

2. Create a persona for the feelings and get curious.

  • What does this persona want and need? Does it really want to be doing what it’s doing?
  • Applaud yourself for your curiosity.

3. Decide what you want to happen next.

  • Take one small step to get started, like asking for help.
  • Applaud yourself for making the choice and taking the first step.

Right now, I challenge you to pick one thing, take these steps, and tell me if it works for you.