Why Do You Need A Cancer Coach? Answered in CURE Magazine’s Fall 2011 Issue
After my chemotherapy ended, it took me three years to get my life back. I know now that the emotional challenges I experienced are universal. When we increase the number of days cancer survivors live we have an obligation to teach people how they can take actions that promote their well-being. Life coaching teaches people to be proactive about their lives during cancer and as survivors.
Would you or someone you love benefit from a cancer coach? CURE Magazine’s Fall 2011 issue explores the medical and practical aspects of the role of coaching in cancer care. I am honored to be part of the story.
GAME CHANGERS: Cancer patients and survivors turn to life or wellness coaches for guidance.
BY JENNIFER M. GANGLOFF
CURE Magazine Fall 2011 Issue, PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 14, 2011
Hildreth Stafford arrived at an unsettling juncture after treatment for breast cancer. She had endured a double mastectomy, radiation, aggressive chemotherapy, a hysterectomy and reconstructive surgery. She lost her hair, her eyebrows and her eyelashes, and her husband and young children were left reeling. When it was over, she felt like a different person. Once a hard-driving TV producer, she became fearful and stuck, unable to move forward.
“When I finished treatment, I knew my life was going to change dramatically,” recalls Stafford, 47, who received a diagnosis of stage 2 breast cancer in 2009. “I knew what I needed to do, but I just couldn’t do it. I decided I wanted a life coach to help me, and she completely changed my life.”
Stafford interviewed several coaches by phone, and one of them directed her to Paula Holland De Long, a life coach, author and motivational speaker—and a fellow breast cancer survivor. For Stafford, that was just the connection she needed. After only two coaching sessions with De Long, Stafford felt equipped to act on her plan that alone she didn’t feel brave enough to carry out: In June 2010, she walked away from the successful television production company she co-owned.
“Once I did it, I never looked back,” Stafford says. “It was so hard to walk away after more than 20 years in television, but Paula gave me the courage, the strength and the guidance to do it.”
A New Kind of Quarterback
Stafford is among a growing number of cancer patients turning to life and wellness coaches for guidance in a variety of areas—nutrition, exercise, work, relationships and stress management, for example. Coaches can help cancer patients across the continuum of care, from receiving a new diagnosis with complicated treatment options to end-of-life decision-making.
….. At Duke Integrative Medicine in Durham, N.C., for example, there’s a team approach to care that includes coaching, if desired. “In our program, a physician may be working with a massage therapist, an acupuncturist, a nutritionist, a stress management therapist and a health coach,” says Linda Smith, PA, director of professional and public programs at Duke Integrative Medicine’s Integrative Health Coach Professional Training program. “Essentially, the entire team works together with the patient to develop a health plan.
“As a result, the patient walks away with a substantive health plan that addresses every aspect of health and well-being that they can then take into their real-life situations,” she adds.
Are Roller Coaster Emotions During Cancer Normal?
Finding out I had cancer changed me irrevocably, forcing me into uncharted waters. I remember thinking I was the only one who felt like this, and being so afraid that it would never end. I never imagined that what I was feeling was natural or normal. It felt so abnormal compared to the way I used to be.
Sometimes I compare the cancer experience t
o going through a hurricane.
You’re living your life in your house, just like always, and then you get the first storm warnings: a hint that something might be wrong. It might be a consistent pain, a lump, or a test result that raises concern. You are concerned, but know the odds are that the storm won’t hit you. In the same way you’d buy extra water and make sure your generator was working, you get it checked out. In the same way you believe that an oncoming hurricane will drift harmlessly out to sea, you hold the belief that cancer will not happen to you.
But the odds defy you. The hurricane hits with all of its fury. You have cancer. Shock and disbelief, so unexpected that it’s impossible to comprehend. Your world has changed and there is nothing you can do. Your priority is getting through it.
After a hurricane blows through, there’s a whole period of rebuilding and getting used to the changes. When your cancer treatment ends, you don’t just magically go back to normal, either. Often you are physically changed, emotionally drained, and reeling from the chaotic period you’ve just endured. The safety net of routine doctors’ visits and treatments ends, and your world changes again. You may find that the life you left behind is waiting for you, but you want more.
After facing death, your time becomes more precious and valuable. As your world shifts once again, you wonder, “How do I rebuild my life? What can I improve on? Can I recreate the things I loved? Can I love my new life even more than the old one?” As you gain perspective and clarity, you begin to make decisions, take out your toolbox, and begin again.
Whether you’re renovating your house or rebuilding your life, reconstruction can be challenging. Have you ever had a construction project that didn’t have surprises and delays? But time passes, and eventually the noise and dust has settled. It’s like that after cancer treatment, too-there will come a time when you’ll reach a level of acceptance and comfort with who you have become.
The above information is excerpted from my award winning What’s Next For My Life? Companion Journal For Cancer Patients. For more info visit my site.
Listen to me talk about managing the roller coaster emotions of cancer.
When Cancer Treatment Ends “Normal” Isn’t Normal Anymore.
How do you know where to focus your energy when cancer treatment ends?
Listen to me talk about creating a New Normal life when cancer treatment ends here.
During cancer treatment, my holy grail was getting to the end. Multiple surgeries and rounds of chemo later, the magic day finally arrived. Everyone was so thrilled that I was “done” with cancer. My life could go back to “normal”.
Guess what? Doing what my doctors told me and fighting cancer had become my “normal” life.
I was bald, weighed 95 pounds, and had lots of scars. My stamina and memory were shot. I was afraid the cancer had spread or would come back. I was still fatigued from chemo but needed to work. I felt frustrated because I couldn’t do everything I could before. Confused because things I used to care about didn’t seem so important. Guilty because I wasn’t just grateful to be alive. And ashamed that unhealthy choices from my old life that made me sick weren’t easy to change.
Go back to what? “Normal” had never seemed so chaotic, scary or uncomfortable.
Believe it or not, many survivors report “My life doesn’t feel the same or fit me anymore” emotions when their treatment ends. It’s a common, normal, natural human response in the emotional stages of cancer.
What happens next? We go forward, because we can’t really go back. We take stock. Many of our old priorities and activities have faded into the background during “Battle Cancer.” Our relationships with ourselves and others have been tested. Time becomes more precious as the adrenaline of battling the disease subsides,. We begin to let go of things that now feel trivial and feel compelled to make the things that matter most to us a priority. We think about the legacy of who we want to be and what we want to leave behind.
Close your eyes and breathe. Imagine your 100th birthday party. All of your family, friends, colleagues and loved ones are gathered to celebrate you and your life. They’re telling stories and speaking of the difference you have made in their lives. Bask in their approval. What do they say?
- What words did they (or do you) use that make you proud?
- What parts of your life have been the most joyful?
- What’s important about the legacy you leave?
These questions hold the clues to the foundation of your New Normal life and let you know what matters most to you. I challenge you to find one way to live your legacy today.
Quote: “It doesn’t go back to the life you had before cancer. There are some things that may never be the same. It is really a new life and you have to accept that. Looking at it as an opportunity to make changes and grow is a good thing, but can be very hard. Emotionally, there can be a grieving process. Again, you have to accept that to really move on from Cancer. You have changed, a part of you may no longer be there, some activities may no longer be available to you. That deserves some grieving. Accept it, work through it, and move on.” – John, age 48, 2-year testicular cancer survivor
This is an excerpt from my What’s Next When Cancer Treatment Ends? LifeBook, coming out August 2011. For more info visit my site.
Do You Feel Fully Alive or Mostly Dead? You’re Not Alone.
I believe Mother Earth smiles the most during spring. During this glorious season of rebirth and renewal my senses come alive with the perfume of blooming flowers, the squishiness of the mud between my toes, the melody of the wind’s song, and vastness of the clear blue sky. My enthusiasm soars along with my heart as nature demands my appreciation for her labors.
It hasn’t always been like this for me. I lost my ability to smell, touch, see, hear, and taste the world during my adulthood, until cancer entered my life and reminded me to savor the gift of being alive. It wasn’t that I had chosen to shut myself down; I had just gotten into the habit of living in my mind, and my mind was so full of stuff that it hadn’t noticed how dull and lifeless my world had become.
“If we had keen vision and feeling for all ordinary human life it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel’s heart beat, and we should die of the roar which lies on other side of silence,” says George Eliot. I agree. If we don’t see, touch, smell, taste, and hear the world around us, are we really alive, or are we just existing?
One of my favorite quotes is “In every moment, the quality of your life is on the line. In each, you are either fully alive or relatively dead,” from Dan Millman. Facing cancer made me realize I was relatively dead. Using all of my senses brought me back to life.
Where do you stand? Ask yourself, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how alive do I feel?” Do you feel like the walking dead, fully alive, or somewhere in between?
Want to raise your number? Step outside and fill your senses with spring. Your aliveness will grow as you focus on breathing and notice what you see, smell, touch, hear and taste. In celebration of Earth Day, express your gratitude to Mother Earth by wallowing in her beauty.
What’s Your Path to Self Love?
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being who you are…your simple presence can make others happy.” - Jane Roberts
I love myself. It’s been a long, hard, scary journey but I wouldn’t change a single step. Along the twisty, many forked road. I’ve lost myself and found myself, over and over again. I’ve also loved and won and loved and lost on many occasions. Right now, I’m lucky enough to be loved in ways I never would have believed possible.
What I love about myself is that I’m learning to let go of my judgment about what is right, wrong, should, or has to be. I accept myself as a human being, knowing that every attribute and flaw have combined to make me who I am.
I love giving myself the same compassion I show others. Doing the little things that feed me. Celebrating my successes and finding the learning in challenges. Letting go of my attachment to outcomes and being with each step of the journey.
We each have our own path to self love. The first step is choosing to follow that path out of our comfort zone.
Love yourself a little more today. Check out the attached ideas and pick the one that resonates with you.
Loving Yourself , a short video by Louise Hay; Unconditional Self Love from the Lance Armstrong Foundation; and Abundance Tapestry: Manifesting a Life of Abundance, a blog post by Evelyn Lim.
New Beginning for Happiness in Five Minutes or Less
Get comfortable, close your eyes, and take slow, deep breaths. For the next three minutes, imagine you’re watching the movie of your life – a made-for-you movie featuring all of your happiest moments. Highlighting the memories you treasure most. Showcasing the things you’re proudest of. A history of the things that make you smile, laugh, and feel good. Your brightest moments of gratitude and appreciation. As you keep breathing, becoming part of the scenery, connecting the cast of characters, notice the highlights – the scenes that are best of the best.
What did you see that brought you the most happiness and joy?
I can feel your face light up as you connect with things like “Watching my grandchildren play together” “Nurturing the flowers in my garden” Gathering the courage to travel by myself; Laughing till my sides hurt with my sister; Learning to speak French; Eating chocolate; and “Playing with my dog.”
“How much time do you spend doing the things that make you feel good?”
I can hear your responses. “I’d forgotten how much I love playing with my dog. But I don’t do it anymore.” “I just don’t have time to garden anymore.” “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Take another 30 seconds picturing yourself in one of the highlight moments of your movie. How does it feel?
“Happy,” you say. “Peaceful.” “It feels good!” you exclaim as you sink into the feelings. “Why don’t I have this all the time?” you wonder.
Many of us have lost our awareness of the little, simple pleasures in life that make us happy. Our feelings of enjoying our lives have vanished. We want a new beginning.
I challenge you to take five minutes to do this simple exercise. To hold onto the awareness of what truly makes YOU happy. Then choose to embrace what makes you smile, brings you joy, and fills you with gratitude every single day. These are the guideposts for the new beginning your heart is seeking.
Visit www.WhatsNextForMyLife.com for more tips, information, and videos on how to live based on what matters most to you.
A Gift To Be Thankful For…
“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all of the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.”
Flying Without A Net
I’ve never been afraid of speaking in public before.
But as I picked up the microphone, it felt like I was in the open door of an airplane at 30,000 ft without a parachute, getting ready to jump. Heart pounding, stomach churning, breathing to keep the anxiety at bay, scared and realizing it was too late to back out.
Scarier than chemo, childbirth, and my ex-mother in law all rolled into one.
Standing up in front of a group of cancer patients, survivors, and oncology professionals, without a prepared speech or plan. Trusting that my skill and intuition were more important than a presentation and a pre-planned message.
“You’re insane,” my inner voice screamed. “How can you possibly consider going in front of a room full of people and talking for an hour with out preparing?! You’re a professional life coach – you’re supposed to be prepared. This hospital is counting on you to make a difference for their patients. What if you fail? What if people hate you? Your business will be ruined and you’ll be a laughingstock.”
“I can’t not do it,” I argued back. “I’m tired of always having to be prepared and worrying about not being good enough. It’s draining, boring, lifeless, and NO FUN.”
“Well, fine then,” my inner critic snarled. “You’ll be sorry.” I responded, “No, you’ll be surprised.”
Then I opened my mouth and jumped.
An hour later, my presentation was over. I can’t tell you for sure what I said. But I knew that it had worked. The audience was engaged. They had lots of questions. They were comparing their own experiences among themselves. I was ecstatic.
I’m not sure why I made the leap on this day, but I know my higher power had a hand in it. Maybe I was tired of over thinking everything; second guessing my intuition and ideas; staying safe in the box of how I’ve always done things.
Whenever I’m facing an idea that seems scary, crazy, ridiculous, I remind myself of that day. I ask myself what I would do if I couldn’t put it off. If I knew my time was up and this was my last chance. And then I jump, and feel the exhilaration of the unknown overriding the fear of the leaving the box. And I love it!
What would it be like to jump out of your box and fly? Give it a try and you’ll realize that the fear was false, and being alive is real. Why wait?
What boxes have you left behind in your life? Share your story with us!
There’s A Mouse In My House (A lesson of denial)
At first, I just heard a few innocent little rustlings every now and then. Something creaking in the wall. “Just the wind,” I told myself. A sound in the kitchen while I was watching TV. “The cat must be climbing around somewhere,” I thought.
No big deal. Just some background noise. So infrequent I might have been imagining it.
As time went by, I gradually noticed that the rustling had escalated to scampering. That was a little harder to ignore. The scampering was infrequent, but impossible to put down to mere imagination. “Maybe there’s a bird’s nest in the eaves,” I smiled to myself, imaging little chirping mouths receiving food from their parents.
When my cat started camping out for hours in the kitchen, staring underneath the counter, the light bulb should have gone on for me but it didn’t. “I bet some of those cute little gecko’s (lizards) have gotten in,” I mused. “Hope she doesn’t catch them.”
But when I walked into the kitchen and saw a mouse eating out of the cat food bowl the truth was staring me in the face and all of my denial went down the drain with an adrenaline burst like you wouldn’t believe. I had a mouse in my house!
I did what any confident, powerful, fearless woman would do. I ran screaming from the house calling for my husband. Since he was out of town at the time, he didn’t come rushing to my rescue. (Smile)
Wishing I hadn’t ignored those little warnings, I berated myself for a while, kicking myself for not listening to my instincts, and wondering what the heck I was going to do about it. My feelings quickly escalated to panic. How could I stay in a house with a mouse?
“So,” I debated. “Hotel? Stay with a friend? Bomb the kitchen?” After tossing around these improbable solutions, I sucked up my courage and went back inside.
I started to go about my business, avoiding the kitchen like the plague. Fortunately, my husband Chuck replied to my urgent messages on layover between flights and we came up with a plan (that included an urgent call to an exterminator right then).
With the truth about the mouse in the house out in the open, and a plan in place, I started thinking about what had happened. About how natural it is for us as human beings to know in our hearts that something isn’t right and go right on pretending to ourselves everything is fine. We all do it. We pretend things are OK while burying our imagination of the worst possible scenario. When we do this long enough, quite often the world steps in and says, “Hello. Here’s the reality.” And you end up facing what you were avoiding anyway.
What’s rustling or scampering around in your life? Where are you spending energy to pretend nothing’s up instead of addressing it? Where are you stuck? What needs your attention? I challenge you to look that mouse in the eye and make a plan. You’ll be glad you did.
